Pop-Singer Michelle Branch named
2003 Miss Universe!

This column first appeared @ E-Crap on June 4, 2003


E-Crap, NJ, June 4, 2003 - Pop singer Michelle Branch was named Miss Universe 2003 before a stunned, overflow crowd in Panama late last night. Not even expected to be one of the semi-finalists, Branch sang her way to the finals with a rousing rendition of her current hit, "Are You Happy Now." Obviously, she answered her own question. When she was announced as the winner, Miss Branch, unaccustomed to the proper beauty pageant etiquette, ripped off her Miss Universe banner, revealing a black tank-top, and quickly asked for her guitar.

Prior to the surprising conclusion, controversy abounded throughout much of the week. Many publications and organizations refused to acknowledge Miss Branch's participation in the pageant, instead electing to call her by another name, Amelia Vega. Other factions went as far as to declare Amelia Vega (Michelle Branch) as Miss Dominican Republic, instead of the more natural choice, Miss United States.

The controversy surrounding Miss Branch's victory has continued, with several delegates from the Dominican Republic arriving in Panama early this morning to formally protest, feeling Amelia Vega won the crown, not Michelle Branch.

Meetings are expected to continue throughout the week to ensure the correct woman was given the illustrious crown. It is expected that several well known people will be appearing on the side of Michelle Branch, including fellow pop-singer Vanessa Carlton (who was also rumored to be Amelia Vega at some point in her career), Madonna (who signed Branch to her Maverick label, and believes she also should be a future Miss Universe), and former Munsters co-star "Grandpa" Al Lewis, who was quoted this morning as saying "F*** the judges, f*** the writers, and f*** the non-believers, Michelle won fair and square. And if you don't believe me, ask f***ing Lurch, or Thing!"

Miss Branch is expected to perform a free coronation concert in her home state of Arizona sometime this summer. Joining her on the bill will be former teen-pop goddess Deborah (don't call me Debbie) Gibson. Gibson, currently starring on Broadway in the revival of "Cabaret" will be debuting songs from an Off-Broadway show she is currently writing named "Debbie Does Dominican." It is believed the musical will be a tribute to Amelia Vega, and will be used as a peace offering to that country, and to help sooth the Miss Universe scandal.

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